M templates/now.html → templates/now.html

@@ -1,5 +1,9 @@ 
 {{define "title"}}what is jes doing now{{end}}
 {{define "body"}}
+<p><b>2022-07-31</b></p>
+<li>i looked death in the eyes</li>
+<li>i looked birth in the eyes</li>
+<li>the world is losing a fierce, loving, amazing woman</li>
 <p><b>2022-07-17</b></p>
 <li>the house has closed and is no longer mine</li>
 <li>purchased a van and a storage container, blog inbound</li>

M templates/thoughts.html → templates/thoughts.html

@@ -4,6 +4,7 @@ <p><i>these are all tiny thoughts</p></i>
 <p><i>that don't deserve their own blog posts</p></i>
 <p><i>i hear u want <a href="/feed.atom">rss???</a></i></p>
 <h4>2022</h4>
+<li><a href="/thought/the-constantly-collapsing-horizon.html">the constantly collapsing horizon</a></li>
 <li><a href="/thought/my-website-is-one-binary.html">my personal website is one binary</a></li>
 <li><a href="/thought/there-is-beauty-in-the-minimalism-of-email.html">there is beauty in the minimalism of email</a></li>
 <li><a href="/thought/dynamic-blog.html">making a dynamic blog</a></li>

A thought/the-constantly-collapsing-horizon.html

@@ -0,0 +1,74 @@ 
+the constantly collapsing horizon
+2022-07-31
+
+
+      i looked at the horizon today, and i couldn't look away
+
+
+the world is losing a mother. a fighting spirit. a force for love and good. 
+
+a life of pulling everything together, and making everyone feel like
+they belonged. a life of doing so much. i hope she knows how to rest.
+
+i saw her the same day i saw a newborn baby.
+
+death and birth. her eyes fluttered open
+like his do. her eyes contained desperation and want. she's still strong
+and i wanted so badly to soothe her pain
+i wanted to reach into her soul and tear it out by the roots
+to grasp the stem of her suffering and pull as hard as i can, up and out
+
+i want her to heal. i know she can't.
+
+                            she has a restless and eternal soul
+
+    besides, she wouldn't let me.
+
+
+
+i saw today that ghosts are real, that little backyard stoops have power
+beyond words. a silent, enormous, torrential love. i have so much for her.
+
+rice pudding is my favorite dessert
+
+and i did not love her as much as i wanted to.
+                      i don't know if i possibly could have
+     i will miss her forever and ever.
+
+i want so badly to see her again, laughing and smiling, and talking about my shoes
+
+
+
+    my eyes blur when i look too closely
+           at the constantly collapsing horizon we all try our best
+               to ignore.
+      it has come for her. she's near the edge.
+
+it reminds me to love openly and loudly.
+  
+   i'll remember her long after she drifts up to the sky
+
+and she will. she is so strong. stronger than i could ever be. i love her so dearly.
+    and i'll just. i will miss her so much.
+
+    the eternal horizon collapsed again. close to me. she was struck by a
+      falling piece of it. and she didn't deserve it.
+
+i am so proud of how strong she is, and how strong her daughter is.
+
+i'm so, so proud of them.
+
+
+it shouldn't have to be this way.
+
+rest. i love you. i wish you eternal peace. you deserve it. we all love you
+so, so, so much. i'll take care of everything i can. i'll do my best. i'll
+always remember how you made me feel at home. you gave me so much faith.
+
+i love you i love you i love you
+
+
+i'll give you so many hugs when we're together again.
+
+
+love jesse