M templates/thoughts.html → templates/thoughts.html

@@ -4,6 +4,7 @@ {{ template "nav" . }}
 <div id="main">  
 <h3>thoughts</h3>
 <h4>2025</h4>
+<li><a href="/thought/it-took-a-stanley-cup.html">it took a big cup</a></li>
 <li><a href="/thought/blogs-rot-wikis-wait.html">blogs rot. wikis wait.</a></li>
 <h4>2024</h4>
 <li><a href="/thought/trainwreck-design.html">trainwreck design</a></li>

A thought/it-took-a-big-cup.md

@@ -0,0 +1,109 @@ 
+2025-06-04
+it took a big cup
+
+so, it's weird. i have recently, personally, gone through a bout of forgiveness
+and empathy towards myself. i'm feeling maybe more self
+love than i've ever felt.
+
+           __    __  
+          /  \  /  \
+         /    \/    \
+        |  love > 0  |
+         \          /
+          \        /
+           \      /
+            \    /
+             \  /
+              \/
+
+i say it started with a cup, but it sort of started with
+being bad at using a calendar.
+
+
+for i'm an addict, you see. when i was a kid, i was
+diagnosed with an "organizational disorder", and received
+an ADHD prescription. as it turns out, giving powerful
+stimulants to an adolescent is kind of an insane thing to
+do.
+
+generally speaking, the way that most ADHD medication
+(particularly adderall) works is by keeping more dopamine
+in your brain, more of the time. this feeling can cause
+enormous rushes of euphoria, which triggered immediate
+disordered use - speaking from personal experience.
+
+i was addicted to adderall for many years. i still am. but
+i can resist it now. and for a long time, i couldn't.
+
+i'm convinced that no child should be exposed to these
+addictive substances.
+
+
+💊💊💊
+
+adderall decayed my humanity.
+
+one of the side effects of adderall is dramatically diminished
+appetite, to the point i received a real-life "malnourished"
+diagnosis from a real-life doctor. i was tired constantly,
+to the point where the only activities i had energy for were
+mental activities - dopamine, dopamine, dopamine.
+
+this haze, where energy is not real - it is artificial.
+
+but it doesn't last - it rebounds.
+
+good feelings become bad.
+
+
+if we're being honest, i am depressed. prone to
+depression - i always have been. but i'm pretty sure
+(almost 100% sure) that letting your body atrophy in-place
+due to drug induced starvation will make your depression
+more frequent, and more intense. i suppose.
+
+
+
+              〇
+
+anxiety, depression, and inactivity all feed on one
+another. and that cycle is hard to break, especially alone.
+
+
+i started small, by accident. i bought a stanley cup.
+
+it's a dark green cup, and it's voluptuous. it holds 40
+ounces of liquid. it has a wonderful texture (important to
+me), it _FITS IN A CUPHOLDER_, and critically, it has a
+straw.
+
+if we're being really honest, the straw changed the game.
+
+have you ever used a straw? it's fun! i immediately began
+sucking on it subconsciously. as long as i remembered to
+keep my big cup nearby, my body was compelled to bend down
+drink. it was as if someone had installed a liquid cooler
+within me, after years of running dry & hot.
+
+
+
+
+water gave me just enough energy to start walking on a
+treadmill. the treadmill gave me enough energy to start
+doing a few pushups. and on and on. exercise returned my
+hunger to me.
+
+for the first time in my life, i eat regularly. i weigh
+a normal amount for my height. i feel secure and
+confident. my energy is natural, and abundant.
+i feel for myself. god.
+
+
+it only took me 32 years, but i made it out. for now.
+
+
+
+i'll strive to keep it that way.
+
+𝖜𝖔𝖒𝖕 𝖜𝖔𝖒𝖕
+      ≽^•⩊•^≼