thought/it-took-a-big-cup.html
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2025-06-04
it took a big cup
so, it's weird. i have recently, personally, gone through a bout of forgiveness
and empathy towards myself. i'm feeling maybe more self
love than i've ever felt.
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i say it started with a cup, but it sort of started with
being bad at using a calendar.
for i'm an addict, you see. when i was a kid, i was
diagnosed with an "organizational disorder", and received
an ADHD prescription. as it turns out, giving powerful
stimulants to an adolescent is kind of an insane thing to
do.
generally speaking, the way that most ADHD medication
(particularly adderall) works is by keeping more dopamine
in your brain, more of the time. this feeling can cause
enormous rushes of euphoria, which triggered immediate
disordered use - speaking from personal experience.
i was addicted to adderall for many years. i still am. but
i can resist it now. and for a long time, i couldn't.
i'm convinced that no child should be exposed to these
addictive substances.
💊💊💊
adderall decayed my humanity.
one of the side effects of adderall is dramatically diminished
appetite, to the point i received a real-life "malnourished"
diagnosis from a real-life doctor. i was tired constantly,
to the point where the only activities i had energy for were
mental activities - dopamine, dopamine, dopamine.
this haze, where energy is not real - it is artificial.
but it doesn't last - it rebounds.
good feelings become bad.
if we're being honest, i am depressed. prone to
depression - i always have been. but i'm pretty sure
(almost 100% sure) that letting your body atrophy in-place
due to drug induced starvation will make your depression
more frequent, and more intense. i suppose.
〇
anxiety, depression, and inactivity all feed on one
another. and that cycle is hard to break, especially alone.
i started small, by accident. i bought a stanley cup.
it's a dark green cup, and it's voluptuous. it holds 40
ounces of liquid. it has a wonderful texture (important to
me), it _FITS IN A CUPHOLDER_, and critically, it has a
straw.
if we're being really honest, the straw changed the game.
have you ever used a straw? it's fun! i immediately began
sucking on it subconsciously. as long as i remembered to
keep my big cup nearby, my body was compelled to bend down
drink. it was as if someone had installed a liquid cooler
within me, after years of running dry & hot.
water gave me just enough energy to start walking on a
treadmill. the treadmill gave me enough energy to start
doing a few pushups. and on and on. exercise returned my
hunger to me.
for the first time in my life, i eat regularly. i weigh
a normal amount for my height. i feel secure and
confident. my energy is natural, and abundant.
i feel for myself. god.
it only took me 32 years, but i made it out. for now.
i'll strive to keep it that way.
𝖜𝖔𝖒𝖕 𝖜𝖔𝖒𝖕
≽^•⩊•^≼